The Internal Mirror™
Develop the Capability to Handle the Challenges & Complexities of Life
See Clearly. Cope Effectively. Act Intentionally
FREE WEBINAR
The Missing Perspective
That Changes How You Experience Life
Life is hard.
Not because there's anything wrong with you.
Because life is inherently challenging and complex.
And we are not automatically taught how to effectively navigate it.
We struggle as a result—and that struggle can show up in many different ways.
Emotions
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anxiety / fear / worry
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unworthiness / frustration
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irritable / anger
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disappointment
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guilt / shame
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embarrassment
Thoughts
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overwhelmed
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self-deprecation / negativity
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regret / failure / perfection
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not good enough
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turning off your mind
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overthinking / ruminating
Behaviors
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sleep issues
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impulse control
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scrolling / screen time
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procrastination
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lack of self-care
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bad habits
Physiology
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fatigue / always tired
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high blood pressure
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panic attacks
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racing heart
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chronic pain
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tension
Relationships
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disconnection
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arguments / avoidance
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people pleasing
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rejection / disrespect
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betrayal / trust
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difficulty communicating
The Unrealistic Expectation
Life is hard.
But some of our experiences contain unnecessary struggle.
We've been expecting ourselves to know how to handle life without ever having been taught.
Imagine being handed surgical instruments and told to perform surgery.
You wouldn't expect yourself to know what to do. And when you couldn't do it, you certainly wouldn't conclude that your inability meant there was something wrong with you.
You'd recognize the obvious: you were never trained to perform such a complex procedure.
Surgery is extraordinarily complex—but it occurs within a defined domain. There is an enormous body of established knowledge. Surgeons are systematically trained in anatomy, procedures, techniques, protocols, and how to respond when things go wrong.
Yet when it comes to life, we hold ourselves to an entirely different standard.
Life asks us to navigate relationships, emotions, our bodies, thoughts, uncertainty, competing needs, individual differences, loss, limited resources, change, decisions,
conflict, parenting, work, identity—often several at once.
And unlike surgery, the variables are constantly changing.
Yet somehow, we expect ourselves to know how to handle all of it.
And when we inevitably struggle...
We don't question the expectation. We question ourselves.
A New Challenge the Human Brain Isn't Innately Built to Handle
Our brain comes hardwired with a survival system to ensure that we stay alive. But it doesn't have a corresponding system to help us navigate the challenges and complexities of life not related to survival.
The survival system is incredibly effective at its assigned job. It has kept human beings alive for thousands of years. And it still works remarkably well.
For much of humanity, survival remains an immediate concern. Access to food, clean water, shelter, safety, and medical care remains a challenge.
But life has changed for some. For those of us fortunate enough to take much of our survival for granted, a new challenge has emerged - learning how to navigate non-survival life.
Surviving and knowing how to live fulfilling lives are not the same capability.
And human beings are remarkably young at navigating fulfilling non-survival lives.
Those of us whose basic survival is largely secure are among the first humans to spend substantial portions of our lives dealing with non-survival issues.
You shouldn't already know how to do this. Humanity itself is still learning.
But that doesn't mean we're starting from scratch. There is a great deal we already know about navigating non-survival life. That knowledge simply isn't universally shared or systematically taught.
This work fills this gap in non-survival knowledge, skills, and tools.
FREE WEBINAR
The Missing Perspective That Changes How You Experience Life
The Brain's Survival Default
To complicate matters, we're bringing to those non-survival
complexities a brain with a deeply practiced survival default.
Our survival brain is constantly scanning for potential threats.
When it identifies one, its job is to protect us.
Identify the problem. Solve the problem. Stay alive.
Problem solving is the survival brain's primary tool.
Problem solving works remarkably well for problems. But some difficulties aren't problems.
A problem exists when there is a barrier to a goal, and removing that barrier allows you to reach the goal.
In non-survival life, many of the challenges we face don't meet that definition.
We just don't realize that many non-survival difficulties are not problems.
An emotion isn't a problem.
Uncertainty isn't a problem.
A limitation isn't a problem.
A difference between two people isn't a problem.
Competing needs aren't a problem.
Someone else's disappointment isn't a problem.
Something outside our control isn't a problem.
A painful reality isn't a problem.
And even when an actual problem exists, it often comes with non-survival issues that problem solving alone cannot address.
Problem solving may solve the problem. But it is often inadequate for handling the entire experience.
Non-survival issues require different knowledge, different skills, and different tools that are not innate to our brain's functioning.
Yet because problem solving is our survival brain's deeply practiced default, we often misidentify these difficulties as problems.
Problem solving is like a hammer. When it's the only tool in our toolbox, we use it on everything.
And then we wonder why we have so many holes in our lives.
The Holes Left Behind
When we misidentify a difference between two people as a problem, we try to solve it by eliminating the difference. We argue, persuade, criticize, pressure, or decide that one of us must be wrong.
When we misidentify a limitation as a problem, we try to solve it by overcoming something that actually needs to be honored. We push harder, overextend ourselves, become frustrated, or blame ourselves for not being able to do what the limitation prevents.
When we misidentify someone else's disappointment as a problem, we try to solve it by making their disappointment go away. We over-accommodate, abandon our own needs, defend our choices, or try to control their response.
When we misidentify something outside our control as a problem, we try to solve it by continuing to search for something we can do to change it. We expend energy trying to control what isn't ours to control.
When we misidentify an emotion as a problem, we try to solve it by getting rid of it. We suppress it, avoid it, judge it, or fight against it.
When we misidentify uncertainty as a problem, we try to solve it by creating certainty where certainty doesn't exist. We overthink, predict, seek reassurance, or try to control what happens next.
When we misidentify competing needs as a problem, we try to solve it by searching for a solution in which nobody has to give anything up, when that most likely isn't possible. Or we try to compromise, which often creates a lose-lose scenario. Since there often isn't an option that allows both needs to be met within a certain time frame, we can become stuck, resentful, guilty, or convinced we've made the wrong choice.
When we misidentify a painful reality as a problem, we try to solve it by making the reality different. We fight against what has already happened or what cannot be changed.
Problem solving doesn't just fail when we apply it to something that isn't a problem. It creates additional struggle.
These are the holes left behind when we use a hammer where there was never a nail.
There's a reason we so often misidentify what we're facing.
Our brain's survival default creates a predictable loop that helps explain why this happens.
The Survival Default Loop
Non-survival difficulty
The additional struggle is interpreted as further threat
Something uncomfortable grabs our attention
Additional struggle is created
It is interpreted as a threat through the survival system
Problem solving doesn't work because the difficulty isn't actually a problem
The survival system applies problem solving
What The Survival Loop Looks Like in Real Life
You tell a friend you can't go
to an event that they
want you to attend.
Non-survival difficulty:
The additional struggle is interpreted as further threat
They're still disappointed. Nothing I've tried has worked. Maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe something really is wrong between us.
Something uncomfortable grabs our attention
Their disappointment grabs your attention.
Additional struggle is created
You may try harder to change how they feel, seek reassurance that the relationship is okay, second-guess or change your decision, or withdraw from the friendship—even temporarily.
Their disappointment is interpreted as a threat through the survival system
They're upset with me. That's not okay. They may not want to be my friend anymore.
Problem solving doesn't work because the difficulty isn't actually a problem
It doesn't work because you can't control how they feel. Their disappointment remains.
The survival system applies problem solving
How do I take away their disappointment?
How Do You Get Out of the Survival Loop?
When something uncomfortable grabs your attention, don't automatically follow it into the survival loop.
When you turn your attention away from one thing, you need to intentionally focus it on something else.
Innate in the human brain is a survival system. But there is no corresponding innate system for handling non-survival issues. The brain doesn't innately know what else to do.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Because the brain can learn.
I've developed a framework for navigating the non-survival challenges and complexities of life.
There is a lot more happening in your experience than the survival mechanism is allowing you to see.
To interrupt the loop, you start by shifting your focus beyond the discomfort and expanding your awareness.
Because you cannot effectively navigate what you cannot fully see.
But what you cannot see is still affecting your experience.
The entire non-survival framework develops your capability to:
See Clearly. Cope Effectively. Act Intentionally.
Ready to Get Out of the Survival Loop and Expand Your Awareness?
In my free keynote, you'll learn how to expand your awareness beyond what the survival mechanism is allowing you to see—and begin seeing more of what's actually happening in your experience.
This is the beginning of developing the capability to handle the challenges and complexities of life.
Remember, you cannot effectively handle what you cannot see.
But what you cannot see is still affecting your experience.